How to Replace Perfectionism with Play in Your Life as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Are you trying to design your kids’ ideal upbringing and putting everything you’ve got into making sure they’re happy, no matter what? Are you assuming that this is the best thing for them and that giving your all will result in them having everything they could ever need?
I certainly used to see things this way and went all-in on stay-at-home motherhood from the very start. Before my first daughter was even born, I’d decided that I didn’t need daycare or babysitters, and that my kids would be getting my full energy and attention.
I never once stopped to consider that, rather than this being expansive and creating an environment where anything at all was possible, it would create pressure, struggle, overwhelm and resistance, which would have me choosing my phone over real-life connection, and giving up at the first hurdle over sustained effort to create the life I wanted for myself.
But when I finally gave myself permission to play - to do one thing that lights me up every single day - and adopted a much more playful mindset, I saw my relationships improve, I tapped into my resourcefulness, I created solutions that worked for me, and I began to experience joy and ease in my life at home.
So how do we make the shift from perfectionism to play?
Ask yourself what YOU want and make that work for you
When you’re going for perfection, do you even know exactly what it is you’re aiming for? What does “perfect” look like for you? And where do these ideals come from in the first place?
It’s always a good idea to start by questioning whether what you’re striving for each day represents your truths and values, and to look at just how many of your beliefs you subconsciously adopted from other people somewhere along the way.
A big part of perfectionism usually comes from comparing ourselves to others, so it’s always useful to ask yourself what exactly you’re assuming about those other moms you see - both in real life and online - and what you’re believing about their lives.
Is it that they know what they’re doing? That they’ve got it together? That if you could just learn what they know, then you could get control of your life, too?
It’s always worth reminding yourself that even if you somehow gained all of their knowledge about how to parent, run a home, schedule, be in a relationship, make time for your own interests, and anything else you could possibly think you needed to know, you would still not follow-through on someone else’s plan long-term because your brain would never truly have bought into it.
You already have all your answers inside of you. And you definitely do know where to start!
Ask yourself, what’s one thing that would make today better than yesterday in one specific area of your life? And then allow play to come into this. Because playfulness creates curiosity and an openness to experiment and try things out, without worrying that we might be doing it wrong (and without ever making ourselves wrong at all!).
It allows us to use our imagination, creativity and resourcefulness to try things we’ve never done before, and it also gives us permission to fail. And then to evaluate and learn from that failure before we try again, armed with new data that takes us ever closer to where we ultimately want to be.
A good place to start with this is to take a piece of paper and write down exactly how you want to live your life day-to-day, moving through each aspect and focusing primarily on how you want to feel. What is your relationship with your kids like? With your partner? How do you look? What about your home? What’s your money situation? What are your dreams for this year? And the next?
And then to keep failing forward to get there.
We may well not want to do it this way. Learning from someone else who you see as an expert seems so much easier - and quicker too. But that person is only the expert on their own life and their own brain - they’re successful precisely because they discovered what worked for them.
And you can do this too.
Follow what feels good to you in your body
When we’re aiming for perfection, we often spend our time doing things we think we “should” be doing - and not enjoying any of it! We’re so busy focusing on the “right” way to take care of our homes and kids and partners (and even ourselves) that we start to lose any sense of who we are as individuals.
When we’re feeling lost in this way, we may no longer know what our favorite song is, or what we love to eat, or wear, or read, and yet we can easily answer these questions on behalf of our kids.
But one thing that will always bring us home to who we truly are is play.
When you’re playing - doing something that truly lights you up - you lose all sense of time passing, and are fully absorbed and focused. You’re not remotely self-conscious in that moment, and you feel fully alive and filled with joy. When you stop, you can’t wait to do it again!
If you’re reading this and thinking you have no idea what would make you feel this way, take a few moments to look back at what you loved to play as a child. What was that thing you used to do over and over again - that gave you the same sense of joy and excitement every single time?
Take a piece of paper and write down everything you can remember playing when you were little - the more time you take to visualize yourself as a child and relive those experiences in your mind, the more you’ll be surprised at just how much comes back to you. Then, once you have your list, go through it again and put an asterisk next to any activities you could see yourself enjoying now.
You may find that the activities you loved as a kid look exactly the same for you then and now, such as riding a bike, skateboarding or playing tennis. Or they may look a little different - for example making friendship bracelets could become crocheting, climbing trees could become rock climbing, and playing with play dough could mean you’d love pottery. Any one of these activities could be the key to unlocking more joy in your life, so be willing to give them a try. Get curious, dare to experiment, and have fun - because when you get lost in delight, that’s where you’ll find yourself again.
Now, you may be thinking that this sounds entirely selfish and, in any case, too difficult for you to fit into your day - and this does involve adjustments in how you think about prioritizing your time - but it is, in fact, the very opposite of selfish.
Because when you live for a longer period of time in the overwhelm of trying to do and be everything to everyone and, naturally, become exhausted, depleted and stressed in the process, that’s when you’re actually selfish because you’re existing only in survival mode. And when you’re struggling to survive and fighting to get through the day in any way you can, your focus is wholly on that.
Which makes it impossible to even see anyone else’s needs.
Whereas choosing to prioritize you and what feels good in your body brings joy into your life, which then radiates from you, and naturally brings happiness to those around you, too.
Intentionally create your thoughts and feelings
Elizabeth Gilbert has said: “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day.”
And just like in every other area of your life, you get to decide what you think about motherhood. Thoughts are sentences in your mind. And those thoughts cause your feelings, which drive your actions, which create your results. You always get to choose.
Choosing to focus on thoughts of perfectionism and trying to get everything “right” can create a heavy feeling of responsibility that you then carry around with you as you go about your day.
When I think such thoughts, I feel a tightness in my chest and a queasiness in my stomach. A lump appears in my throat and there’s an underlying sense of panic. It feels more difficult to breathe. I feel trapped. I see only the crushing responsibility that motherhood burdens me with, and my brain immediately finds evidence of all the things I’ve lost, and all the ways that it all feels like just too much to bear.
But when I choose a playful mindset, whereby I’m much more open and curious, and fully believing that there is no right or wrong way to do things, I see my life at home as spacious. And I realize just how expansive it is for me to be a mom to my three daughters, and to have the opportunity to learn so much alongside them as we grow.
When I think these thoughts, I feel bubbles of lightness in my core. My breath slows down and I feel my chest expanding. I feel open, curious and there’s an underlying sense of excitement at all the incredible experiences available to me as a mom. I feel free.
Being intentional about your thoughts and feelings in this way is where the magic lies because these emotions then drive our actions, which is how we create anything in our lives. You can choose to play at stepping into the person you want to be in this moment, knowing that the more time you spend as her - acting as if you are her and living her life - the more you become her now.
So spend your time on the things you want to be spending your time on, feeling the way you want to feel. And this doesn’t mean that tasks like cooking and cleaning no longer get done at all (because you’ll likely want a clean(-ish) house and some home-cooked meals), but these tasks will be done according to your own standards and comfort levels, not to any external influence or pressure.
Stop waiting patiently for that magical “someday” when you’ll finally have everything running exactly as planned - and telling yourself this will come at some point, perhaps when the kids are all in school, or everyone is at least sleeping through the night. Because there’s truly nothing stopping you from feeling exactly the way you want to feel right now, living the life that you, yourself, are creating.
If you’d like help with letting go of perfectionism and finding your way home to who you truly are, click on the link below to sign up for a free consultation call to talk about working together in my 8-week coaching program.