How to Stop Resentment from Blocking Your Joy in Stay-at-Home Motherhood

Are you going through your days resenting your partner, the chaos in your home, the never-ending meals that need to be cooked, the motherhood that’s perhaps not quite what you imagined and, above all, YOU yourself - for not being who you think you should be?

You may have heard the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy” but I believe resentment belongs right up there too because we can only truly experience joy when we’re fully in our power, feeling profoundly right in who we are. And resentment only ever offers up everything we think is wrong in our lives - quickly leading to bitterness, anger over the perceived unfairness of it all, and perhaps a sense of regret about the choices we’ve made for ourselves.

So how do we escape the resentment trap and let go of everything our brain is telling us has to change before we can start seeing ourselves as happy in our lives at home with our kids?

1.Be aware of your thoughts

The first step is to acknowledge that the resentment comes not from what the other person is doing to you or the circumstance you find yourself in, but rather from your relationship with that person or situation.

For example, we can resent our partners for never doing their fair share, and we can resent Time for never giving us enough, but when we take a moment to step back and really look at this, we can see that our relationship with both of these can be changed at any time by changing our thoughts about them.  

The key thing here is to separate out our thoughts from the facts. If you’re telling yourself, “My husband just doesn’t care about me”, take a moment to ask yourself whether this is true. Our brains are always seeking evidence for what they currently believe so, if your partner’s words are suggesting to you that he doesn’t care, you’ll choose to pay attention only to what he says and ignore his actions, which may tell a different story. 

And if you believe that there will never be enough time for you to do everything you need to do (never mind what you might want to do!), you’ll only ever see all the ways you’re behind, and rushed, and stressed. You won’t even register the walk you took with your toddler where you stopped every few minutes to smell the flowers, or look at the ants, or spot shapes in the clouds. (Of course if your current thought was, “I have an unlimited abundance of time”, the picture would look very different!).

Consciously separating out your thoughts (which are sentences in your mind) from the facts, (which are statements that could be proven in a court of law) is key to taking control of any situation you’re resentful of, because that awareness is always going to offer you a choice in how you want to show up, rather than leaving you feeling trapped in anger at the unfairness of it all.

And the point of this practice is never to make yourself wrong for your resentment or to place any blame on you - it’s to allow you to notice where in your life your thoughts are driving you to show up out of fear (from a place of lack) so that you can make the conscious choice to be driven by love instead.

2.Be aware of how resentment feels in your body

When you’re wanting to release resentment, gaining awareness of how exactly this emotion feels in your body is important - so that as soon as you notice its presence, you’ll be able to respond to it with intention.

How would you describe the vibrations you feel in your body when resentment comes up? Where exactly do you feel this emotion? Is it solid or liquid? Hot or cold? Does it have a shape? A texture? What color is it? Is it moving or still?

Next time you notice it showing up for you, try following this simple process to help bring you out of the thoughts in your head and take you into your body for a moment. This brief pattern interrupt will allow you to access the part of you that knows exactly how you want to show up in any situation, and will help build your belief that you have the answers within you to create whatever you want in your life: 

P - Pause when you feel resentment come up.

L - Lay your hand on your cheek for comfort and really focus on the sensations of your fingers and palm touching your face.

A - Ask yourself whether what you’re telling yourself in that moment is true. If you feel it is, ask yourself if there’s another, more useful way of looking at the situation. 

Y - Yield a new result in your life by shifting to a more playful mindset (curious, creative, connecting, and cultivating possibility rather than seeing things as black and white).

Remind yourself often that you can always have your own back in any situation through P.L.A.Y. and you can also make it a daily practice to follow this up with actual play! When you do something that truly lights you up (for me that’s dancing to a song I love and it will likely be something that you loved to do as a child too), you are actively choosing to leave the thoughts that cause your resentment behind by going into your body to experience the joy of being your true, authentic self instead.  

3.Consider that resentment represents a longing in you

Experiencing this joy will also remind you of exactly what it is you love to do and just how good you can feel when you give yourself permission to be you! This helps us see that our resentment towards our partners, rather than being representative of true anger, instead reveals our longing for all the things we think they have that we don’t (the freedom to come and go as they please; the willingness to put themselves first when they need time away; the ability to relax when there are still things that “should” be done around the house).

So as you’re reading this, ask yourself: What if you decided to allow yourself to do all those things too? What if you gave yourself permission to prioritize YOU and committed right now to creating whatever it is you believe your partner has, however that may look for you? 

Because a huge part of us knows that we were never meant to go through our days resolutely checking items off a never-ending to-do list, but rather to be fully present in a life that’s vibrant and meaningful. The problem lies in the fact that we so often push this “knowing” aside in favor of meeting other people’s expectations - whether that be our parents’, our peers’, society’s, our partner’s or even our kids’.

I love to remember the quote, “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents” (Carl Jung) ​​​​​​​​to remind myself that my daughters won’t ever want my needs to be met by them and how “well” they’re living their lives. They need - just as I do! - to see me live my life as my true self, according to my values and truths, fulfilling my desires along the way too. 

So next time you find yourself resenting YOU for not being who you think you should be (whether that’s the mom, the partner, the friend, the daughter, the community member…the list goes on and on), take some time to get really clear on who you want to be, the values you want to live by, and the standards you choose for yourself in your own home, and then look at whether the way you are currently spending your time accurately reflects that.

Your resentment will quickly begin to fade once you start to bring this into alignment and live as your authentic self, whilst committing to having your own back and showing yourself the same unconditional love you naturally show to your kids day after day.

If you’d like help with this so you can let go of resentment and start showing up as YOU in YOUR motherhood, sign up for a free coaching consultation call at the link below to find out if my one-on-one, six-week coaching program is the best fit for you.