What Makes You Selfish as a Stay-at-Home Mom?

How often do you give yourself permission to prioritize you? Do you fully enjoy the opportunity to do something you love, or instead spend your time feeling guilty about how selfish it is to be focused wholly on yourself?

I always believed I couldn’t possibly take the time to do something I enjoyed on a regular basis because my struggles with my daily to-do list meant I couldn’t imagine adding on even one more thing - and certainly not something as frivolous as having fun.

And even if there was any time to spare, surely that should be spent doing something practical like coming up with an effective cleaning schedule or finally figuring out meal planning in an attempt to make my chaotic home life at least somewhat streamlined?

That is until I heard something that flipped everything I believed about selfishness on its head: By refusing to put my wants and needs first, I was, in fact, becoming the very thing I was trying so desperately to avoid.

Living permanently in overwhelm

I had been living in overwhelm as a stay-at-home mom for over seven years, and had come to accept that this was simply the reality of motherhood. I felt exhausted by its relentless demands and lost in the repetitive and mundane nature of spending so much time alone with my three daughters, believing I had to be everything to everyone whilst my pilot husband was gone several days a week.

On the few occasions I did take time for myself - to meet up with a friend or to go to an exercise class - I felt it was selfish and unnecessary and would always rush back home sooner than I’d have liked. 

But then I heard January Donovan of The Woman School say something that jolted me into realizing that I’d had it the wrong way round all along! She said that when you live for a longer period of time in the overwhelm of trying to do and be everything to everyone - and, naturally, become exhausted, depleted and stressed in the process - that’s when you’re actually selfish.

Because at that point you’re existing only in survival mode. And when you’re struggling to survive and fighting to get through the day in any way you can, your focus is wholly on that.

Which makes it impossible to even see anyone else’s needs!

This was mind blowing to me, but made so much sense when I looked at my own life that I immediately realized I needed to start prioritizing my own wants and needs, not only for my sake but also to be the best mom I could be to my daughters.

How to take the first step to prioritize you

It wasn’t until many months later that the answer to how I could begin to prioritize myself finally came to me (it’s one thing to learn something, but another thing entirely to actually apply it to your own life!). And it was so much simpler than I could ever have imagined.

I was rushing to make dinner while half-listening to the latest news in the early days of the pandemic when I was stopped in my tracks by the sound of Les Misérables’ ‘On My Own’ playing quietly in the background of a segment about the closure of London’s West End. “Turn it up!” I shouted over to my husband, and began singing along at the very top of my lungs, easily remembering the lyrics from endless hours spent playing the soundtrack on repeat over 20 years ago. By the time the song had finished, I was breathless and filled with utter joy. And I immediately recognized exactly what I needed to do to fill myself up...PLAY! 

I made the decision that evening to commit to making play - doing something that truly lights me up - a part of my life, and to fit it into something I was already doing every single day so that there could be no excuses. I was already spending ten minutes one-on-one with my two older girls (and allowing them to choose the activity) after reading how important this time was for them. But I had long since stopped enjoying the games they were wanting to play, and had even come to regard this time as just another task on my to-do list. 

So I decided instead to use this time together to “selfishly” start doing something I loved - something I knew they’d love too - which more often than not meant dancing around the living room to loud music. I looked forward to those first exhilarating dance sessions so much, and got a double-dose of joy every single time from the look of awe and wonder on the girls’ faces as they saw me in my element. I felt I was finally able to connect with them as my authentic self rather than continuing to deplete myself even further out of obligation, and I know that this true connection benefited my daughters just as much as it did me.

Start small to fill yourself up for the benefit of everyone

If you’d like to try doing something you love every day but can’t see how you could take even ten minutes to do this, start with something so embarrassingly easy that it would be silly to say it’s not possible for you. 

The best place to start with finding something that lights you up is to look back at your childhood and remember what you loved to play as a kid. What was that thing you used to do over and over again that gave you the same sense of joy and excitement every single time? If you loved skipping, for example, try skipping across the room just to see what happens - it will take maybe five seconds out of your day but can truly give you a huge burst of joy!

Starting small like this is an effective way to get out of the all-or-nothing mentality that will keep you stuck in the same patterns for years. Your brain is always going to do whatever it can to keep you safe - and that means doing exactly what you’ve always done, even if it’s not making you happy.

And once you decide to do this, don’t worry that committing to filling yourself up first means that your focus is now all on you. Because by doing this for yourself, you’ll only have that much more to give to those around you. You can show up for them with an energy and joy and excitement you didn’t have before, rather than the resentment and obligation and heavy feeling of self-sacrifice you may have been carrying around with you for years.

So give yourself the chance to build up trust in your ability to do this for yourself by starting with one tiny step today. Through starting small in this way, I’ve seen myself grow in so many ways - from my confidence in my ability to run my home, to being able to effectively communicate with my husband, to having a much more playful relationship with my girls to being now at the point where I can see so clearly how much I’m able to contribute that I’m starting a Life Coach certification program this summer (whilst also planning a move across the country)!

If you’d like any help getting started with prioritizing you, or are interested in coaching with me, please send me an email at

I’d love to hear from you!