City vs. Suburbs: When You Just Can’t Decide

We moved out of Chicago twice: Once to the suburbs less than 45 minutes away (we moved back to the city 18 months later), and last year to Charlotte - to a whole new state and a whole new adventure.

So what do I know now that I didn’t know then? 

You can make the decision to be happy wherever you are by what you choose to think about it.

When we first decided to move to the suburbs, I was pregnant with our middle daughter and felt that we should move out of the city for the space (“a bedroom for everyone!”), the schools (“better than private!”), and an attached garage (“how convenient for groceries!”). I thought that that was just what larger families do - I never really stopped to question whether it was what I wanted at the time.

When we decided to move to Charlotte, it was because of a long list of wants: To spend more time in nature; to enjoy winters outside; to be near to the mountains. I’d decided I would love it there before we’d even left Illinois (despite having never visited North Carolina!). And I understood that the choice to love it would always be mine.

But if you’re not yet convinced that you can be happy no matter where you live, let’s take a look at some of the factors that might come into play as you weigh up the pros and cons of suburban life.

The sense of community 

When we moved to the Chicago suburbs with hopes of making life-long friends, I was crushed to immediately run into cliques and snobbery and exclusion instead. The women I met knew each other well, and I felt they made it clear I just didn’t fit in.

I now see that walking around the deserted streets before I had chance to even attempt to make friends quickly colored my view of my new neighborhood. The only other people I ever saw outside the beautiful houses were landscape gardeners - and I quickly came to see the suburbs as exclusive and excluding, eerily quiet and seemingly lifeless.

 But focusing solely on this meant that I failed to see the warmth and generosity of my lovely neighbors (both sides!), despite being able to count many more examples of this than of gossip and rudeness.

Now that we’re in Charlotte and once again outside of a city, I’m appreciative of the kind welcome offered by our neighbors, and taking every chance I get to say hi to the people I pass when walking around. And whilst I do see moms talking to each other through rolled-down windows at school drop-off (Covid protocol keeps us in our cars), I no longer assume that everyone is in a clique and doesn’t want or need more friends. 

The convenience

I’d let myself come to believe that you can’t live in the city with multiple kids because of overcrowded public transportation, packed and poorly-maintained playgrounds, and the endless flights of stairs up to the decent apartments. 

And I was telling myself that the space and fresh air available to us outside the city limits would be so much healthier for us all.

But the convenience of the suburbs quickly turned sour for me as I noticed the numbers on the scale creeping steadily upwards (I blamed this solely on how much time we were spending in the car), and the girls wanting more and more to play exclusively on their tablets. I firmly believed that this was happening to me; I did not see my own responsibility for any of it.

Once back in the city, four flights of stairs presented themselves as a welcome opportunity to exercise: “We’re so lucky to live on the top floor,” I’d say to my husband, “and think how healthy it’ll be for the girls when they’re stuck inside all winter.” Of course I thought this only because I’d decided that I’d love being back in the city again. 

The yard

In the city, you’re in a very small minority if you have any outdoor space at all, and kids generally have to make a trip to a local park if they want to run around. When I suddenly was surrounded by nothing but expansive and expensive yards on our move to the suburbs, I spent all of two minutes appreciating the space - and then quickly saw nothing but problems.

My husband was always working on the garden (never mind that he was enjoying himself!), there was no “decent” shade (there were plenty of trees), it was too hot in the day, and there were too many mosquitoes at night (wasn’t that what the screened porch was for?).

Back in the city I fell in love with our condo precisely because it had a massive roof deck - which, by the way, came with not one inch of shade! And now I’m happy to be living in North Carolina where the mosquitoes this past summer were the worst I’ve ever experienced!  

I know now that my unhappiness in the suburbs was due to my thoughts that I was lonely and alone while my pilot husband flew around the world. And what I was thinking of course proved itself to be true because our brains are always looking for evidence of what we choose to believe - and then we naturally create more of that in our lives.

My husband is now flying out of Charlotte more than he’s ever flown before, yet I haven’t once felt lonely here. I enjoy time alone when the house is quiet, and I look forward to him coming home when he can. I’m slowly making friends and taking any opportunity I can to do so.

All of this was available to me in the suburbs of Chicago, too. 

And I’m not saying I don’t feel any negative emotion here in Charlotte - life is always going to be 50/50 no matter where I am. But I’ve now had two separate experiences of living outside the city, and am seeing two totally different results. And the only difference is in my thinking.

So you can be confident that whatever decision you make - whether you stay in the city or move out to the suburbs - is the right one for you because you know that you get to decide how you’ll feel when you get there. You truly can create any result you want for yourself by the thoughts you choose, which then create your feelings, which in turn drive the actions you take (like getting out there and actually making friends!).

Making a decision only takes an instant; it doesn’t need “time” to be made. So if you’re really struggling and telling yourself you just don’t know what to do, remember that your brain is only doing its job in trying to keep you safe (which usually means staying put and doing the same thing you’ve always done). I’ve found that simply asking, “But what if you did know” has helped me so many times when I’ve felt truly stuck. Then, whatever your brain offers to you in that moment, go with it and start working towards it right away, even with just one small step.

If you’d like help making decisions in your life - big or small - please join me in my three-month 1:1 coaching program, ‘The Me, Me, Me Method for Stay-at-Home Moms’. Sign up for a free coaching consultation below: