From Resentment to Contentment in Six Simple Steps
Do you resent the fact that your partner gets to come and go as he pleases while you’re stuck at home? Do you feel that you’re always the one responding to your kids’ needs? Do you believe that the responsibility for running your home falls squarely on your shoulders? Are you convinced that you’re no longer seen as anything beyond your role as a mom?
I suffered through these feelings of resentment for years as a stay-at-home mom, and felt alone in my relationship with my husband for much of it. I longed to get back to the feeling of connection we had before our first daughter was born but couldn’t seem to get past my conviction that I had to do it all, alone. This was partly down to the fact that my husband is a pilot and gone for several days at a time but, even when he was home, I still insisted on doing everything myself because it was easier (whilst complaining that I didn’t get any help from him at all!)
So how do we clamber out of overwhelm, exhaustion and resentment, and get back to that feeling of connection and contentment in our relationship?
1. Choose your thoughts
Although it’s so hard to see in the moment, it’s of course true that any circumstance can be interpreted in more than one way. It took me a long time to finally realize that it was my thoughts about my circumstances - and not the circumstances themselves - that were creating the disconnect between my husband and I.
It’s so common to feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t act the way you want him to, and very easy to fall into a trap of waiting for him to change so you can be happy again. But that’s not actually going to get you to where you want to be because it’s our thoughts that create our feelings. And those thoughts are our responsibility - no one else’s.
Whether we realize it or not, we get to choose our thoughts every single day. You may tell yourself that you’re not happy and don’t have what you need because of your partner, but you’re actually choosing to feel angry, resentful and upset.
When I got clear on this, I knew that I needed to also get clarity on exactly who I wanted to be in my relationship and how I wanted to feel. And then to commit to showing up as that person every single day, no matter what was going on at the time. This takes a lot of effort at first, but you know it’s worth it when you start to see the changes your positive actions are bringing to all aspects of your relationship.
2. “Every couple needs a healthy dose of ‘we’” (Gottman Institute)
How much time and effort are you currently investing in your relationship?
When I took the time to really think about this, I realized that my husband and I were spending hardly any time together, and certainly had been having a lot less fun since the birth of our first daughter. Having children is, of course, going to take up much of your time and energy, but I was rushing around all over the place with our three daughters and packing our schedule full of activities - leaving no space for my husband at all.
Until the forced slow-down of the pandemic made me see that the constant flurry of activity had not been necessary after all, and certainly was not good for my relationship. So I started to look for ways to get our dose of “we” - just my husband and I - and chose three things that I felt would make a huge difference to how we connected:
Talking about our dreams and figuring out the small steps we could take to make them happen.
No longer assuming more than I’m asking: I knew that I had changed a lot since we met 15 years ago, so I now ask more questions as a way to get to know him all over again.
Doing my best to really listen, no matter what other distractions are in the room at the time (and to put my phone away, too).
Making this effort has put us back on track to building on the friendship we shared before having kids, and actually having fun doing it!
3. Expand your circle of friends
Do you expect to get every one of your needs met by your partner?
Early on in our relationship, I know that I certainly felt this way. And I was shocked when a married friend of mine told me that there were lots of things she doesn’t get from her husband - and that this was fine with her! She explained that she’d never expected to get this from her marriage in the first place, and that she had plenty of friends who met all of her needs in different ways. At the time, I remember thinking this was surely an indication that they weren't meant to last, but now I see just how wrong I was.
If you expect your partner to be everything for you and to share all of your interests and opinions, you’re likely going to end up disappointed and quickly become overwhelmed with the number of “issues” you feel you need to resolve in the relationship.
When you’re feeling this way, I’ve found that, instead of trying to solve all of your problems at once (some of which likely never will be resolved), a much easier way to improve things is to simply add more good things into your life.
And adding more friends with all sorts of different interests that match your own is key!
Friendships have been proven to make you feel good and even lead to improved health because happiness amongst friends is contagious - they make you laugh, push you to try new things, share opinions, give advice, and encourage and understand you when things get tough. And as stay-at-home moms are naturally more isolated - particularly in the early years - it’s so important for friendships to be placed firmly near the top of your priority list.
4. Show gratitude
Another good thing you can add to your life to improve your relationship is showing gratitude whenever your partner does something you appreciate. There is a proven correlation between gratitude and wellbeing, and it of course makes sense that if we focus on the things we appreciate, we’ll feel much happier than if we’re always complaining.
Make the effort to thank your partner at least once a day because the little things he does for you show you just how much he cares, no matter how trivial they may initially appear. And when you express how much this means to you, he’ll naturally want to do more of it!
If you’re having trouble even seeing the little things your partner does for you on a daily basis, try starting a nightly exercise of noting down each time something - however small - was taken off your plate that day. This may be difficult at first, but once you start to slow down enough to really take notice of what he’s doing, more and more of these moments will reveal themselves to you.
5. Let him help and do things his way
Do you believe that your way of doing things is the best way and often criticize your partner for not doing things exactly as you would like them to be done?
I certainly felt that way for many years and didn’t hold back on pointing out what was “wrong” with the way he’d done certain things when it came to dealing with the kids. This, not surprisingly, led to my husband not wanting to do anything at all because he certainly didn’t enjoy being criticized all the time!
If you find yourself doing this, ask yourself why. Are you sure that your way is the best way? Did you feel the need to micromanage your partner before you had kids?
When I realized that the answer to both of these questions was a no for me and that, of course, I’d seen him as an independent person with his own ideas on how best to do things before our first daughter was born, I couldn’t see any reason for me to be so critical.
I now simply appreciate the fact that there’s one less thing on my plate, and have also learned to show more respect for his time and schedule, thanks to Eve Rodsky’s book ‘Fair Play’. This book outlines a brilliant system for fairly distributing all of the tasks that typically go into running a home and family, and one of the key concepts is that neither partner is allowed to randomly assign tasks to the other. According to the system, if making dinner was one of your tasks, you wouldn’t randomly ask your partner to suddenly start prepping the meal just because there was something else you wanted or needed to do at that time. I love this concept because I’ve found that feeling obliged to drop everything whenever you’re asked to do so only leads to resentment on both sides.
6. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
Lastly, choosing to believe the very best of your partner in any given situation is always preferable to assuming some sort of malicious intent behind his actions. There’s no point trying to read his mind or believing he can read yours - I did this for years and certainly began to feel much happier when I gave up trying to do the impossible!
Deciding for yourself how you want to think about any situation and how you want to feel in your relationship is something you can do today as a first step towards getting back to that feeling of connection with your partner. Maggie Reyes of the Marriage Life Coach Podcast explains the benefits of then taking positive action when she says that, in doing this, you’re taking the lead in demonstrating to your partner how it’s possible to show up differently - not because he deserves it and gets to sit back and make no effort in participating, but because it’s good for you and the marriage you desire to have. “Then you see how your partner responds to how you show up and then you decide what comes next - more love, a boundary, a new choice or something else.”
And for me, I’m happy to report that it’s been more love, every time.
I’d love to know what you think about this so please comment below or email me at: