How to Find Time to do What You Love as a Stay-at-Home Mom
Do you prefer to do everything yourself because it’s easier, but then complain that you don’t get any help from your partner? Do you feel overwhelmed and exhausted by everything on your to-do list? Do you have no time to think about yourself, what your needs are, or what would actually make you happy, and feel resentful towards your partner because of it?
This was me for over seven years as a stay-at-home mom until I finally figured out that prioritizing myself and taking time for what I loved to do was the key to finding joy in my life at home.
So how exactly do we find time to prioritize ourselves every single day?
1. Take your power back
When you find yourself constantly blaming your circumstances for the fact that your life as a stay-at-home mom is not turning out quite how you imagined, you are giving all your power away. By telling yourself that nothing will ever change, your partner will never help out, and all the responsibility for looking after your home and family will always fall squarely on your shoulders, you are also not being truthful with yourself.
Our thoughts and actions are our responsibility - nobody else’s - and we get to choose our thoughts every single day. You may tell yourself that you’re not happy and don’t have what you need because of your partner, but you’re actually choosing to feel angry, resentful and upset.
When I realized this, I decided that I needed to get out of my own way when it comes to putting myself first, and got clear in my mind about exactly what I wanted. I knew I wanted some time alone whenever my husband was home (he’s a pilot so is gone for several days at a time) and that, to get that, I would have to both ask for it and let go of control.
When I finally spoke calmly and truthfully to my husband, I learned he genuinely believed I did not want his help because I had told him exactly that so many times. I asked him to please be with our three daughters between dinnertime and bedtime when he was home because this was when I knew my energy to be at its lowest. He agreed, and also offered to start helping them with their homework at this time, taking another thing off my plate.
This now frees up time for me to focus entirely on myself and I choose to use it to do something that lights me up and fills me with joy - or, in other words, to play! Most days, that will be dancing to songs that I love, or writing. You’ll know you are truly playing when you’re doing something you love so completely that you lose all sense of time passing, and are absorbed, focused and feel fully alive! When you stop, you can’t wait to do it again.
Play is also key to finding our way back to ourselves. For stay-at-home moms, there is so much servitude in what we do every day - especially when we have little ones - that we often feel we’ve lost ourselves completely. But when you start to play, you see that your true, authentic self quickly reemerges. You don’t care what you look like, or what anyone else thinks or needs - you’re simply doing what you love, and enjoying the feeling of total freedom.
Remember that there is nothing selfish about doing this for yourself - in fact you’re naturally becoming the best mom and partner you can be because you’ll radiate the joy that you’re experiencing!
2. Manage your time
When you’ve decided that you’re committed to creating a life you love and feeling the way you want to feel, it’s important for you to block out a specific part of your day (agreed on with your partner) just for you. This time is non-negotiable and should be treated exactly the same as a date with a friend so that you’re not tempted to cancel if something else comes up.
The key here is to make a plan and stick with it. It’s natural to assume that being spontaneous - especially with something like having fun - would make you feel more free and happy than scheduling it in this way but, in fact, the opposite is true. Because when you plan your time and commit to sticking to what you’ve planned, you have more power to get the results you want, and to powerfully craft a life you love! Remember that if you’re overwhelmed all the time, you have no control over your own life.
Deciding ahead of time how you want your day to go and how you want to feel also relieves you of having to make decisions all day long and avoids decision-fatigue. I’ve recently started meal prepping at the same time every day in the morning, and have found that it frees me up to have nice, relaxing dinners with my family in the evenings. It’s also helping me to stick to a consistent dinnertime because I’m not putting off starting a meal from scratch.
Another way to free up time for yourself - and the most obvious - is to start saying no to things you don’t want to do. There is no obligation to go to everything we’re invited to or do every activity available to our kids. Start to treat saying no as normal, and certainly not anything you need to come up with elaborate excuses for - in fact, you don’t need to offer any explanation at all. Remember that saying no to other people allows you to say yes to yourself and what you really want to do with your time.
And, finally, stop saying you’re so busy all the time! Do you often feel like you’re busy all day long but when you look at your to-do list you realize that you actually got nothing much done at all? That’s because being busy means you’re thinking about too many things at once - not that you are being highly productive. You are actually choosing to be busy and overwhelmed by your lack of planning. If you plan your day and stick to that plan, this stops you continually thinking about the next thing you have to do and you feel less busy! When we’re switching between multiple tasks at once, the constant refocusing that this requires takes time in itself and this all adds up - just like giving in to the temptation to rest by enjoying the distraction of social media wastes time, too. Tell yourself you have plenty of time for everything you want to do that day, and give yourself the chance to truly connect to what you’re doing, to your kids, to your partner, and, most importantly, to yourself.
3. Make play a part of what you’re already doing each day
If, despite asking for help and managing your time effectively, you’re not able to find time alone to prioritize you then decide right now to make play a part of what you’re already doing each day.
Take your to-do list and find a way to make every single task on there fun - in a way that only you can! I love to make up songs as I’m tidying up with my three daughters, making each line rhyme as I pick up and describe each object. I sing and dance in the kitchen as I’m cooking, and give the characters in my kids’ books accents when I read bedtime stories. I also make sure that every task on my list genuinely needs doing that day, and that I’m not over-committing to an unrealistic pursuit of perfection.
This concept of finding the fun in every activity has transformed my one-on-one time with my daughters. I knew that time alone together was so important for us, but had stopped enjoying the games they were wanting to play, and had come to regard it as just another task on my to-do list. So, for one week, I decided to use our time together to do something that I loved, which more often than not meant dancing around the living room to loud music and copying each other’s moves. This not only turned out to be an incredible energy-boost for me because I loved those exhilarating dance sessions so much, but I also got a double-dose of joy from the look of awe and wonder on the girls’ faces as they saw me in my element. We now alternate days so that we both get a chance to choose the activity and it works brilliantly for us.
However you choose to make play a part of your day, giving yourself permission to prioritize you is the first small step to take. Remind yourself often that this is as essential to your wellbeing as taking time out to eat a decent meal or get to bed on time, and that committing to it will be life-changing - not just for you but for everyone around you. If you’d like help in seeing that this is possible for you, reach out by sending me an email at jojoyfullmama@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you!
