How to Set Boundaries as a Stay-at-Home Mom

Do you sometimes feel angry about the way you’re being treated by other people and experience resentment in your relationships? Do you believe that if your friends or family members would just change the way they’re behaving, you’d be a lot happier and life would be easier? 

The first step towards finding more peace in your relationships is accepting that we can never control how someone else behaves and realizing that our power lies wholly in showing up the way we want to in our lives. 

Just as we don’t hold responsibility for our kids enjoying every activity we plan for them (we can never control how someone else feels because their own thoughts create their emotions), we likewise do not have the power to make someone act the way we want them to.

Boundaries are not about stopping someone else from behaving in a certain way, but are instead about deciding how we, ourselves, want to act when something is unacceptable to us. 

1. Learn to say “no”

While this is not strictly a boundary, I’m including it here because we so often say yes to what other people require of us, and then experience resentment in our relationships for “having” to do the thing. 

Saying “yes” when we really want to say “no” comes down to a belief that we’re only “good” or “worthy” if we’re selflessly helping other people. But when we do this, we become dependent on other people’s approval to feel good about ourselves; ultimately becoming unable to show up as our true authentic selves or have any sustained sense of self-regard.

Also, when we don’t allow ourselves to say no to the things we really don’t want to do out of a fear of criticism or judgment, we don’t even realize that we’re not being entirely selfless here - we often get a hit of dopamine when we do things we see as “for” other people,and we’re effectively denying the other person the opportunity to experience an authentic relationship with us. 

Being able to say no creates a genuine connection with the people you love, and allows you to show up for yourself and others without guilt, shame or resentment, benefiting everyone around you. 

2. Make your boundaries simple and straightforward

You don’t have to start saying no to everyone around you in order to set healthy boundaries for yourself (though it might feel like a relief for you to do so if you’ve been people-pleasing for a long time!). Nor do you have to announce to everyone you know that you’ll be taking a certain action if they behave a certain way from now on. 

There is, in fact, never a need to tell anyone how they should behave at all - because a boundary is about saying “no” to someone and then taking action yourself if they violate the boundary you decided to set.

For example, if your partner is taking care of the kids and you’ve asked for some time alone but he or the kids keep interrupting you, you can tell them “no” and that, if it happens again, you will lock the door or leave the house.

You get to decide to stick to that boundary - to not engage or let yourself be disturbed - rather than answer all the questions from your family and then feel angry and resentful towards them. 

3. Follow through on the consequences

Following through on the consequences with your boundaries may take practice - and may sometimes feel inconvenient - but remember that you are setting boundaries to create the life you want for yourself.

When we regularly check in with ourselves and ask whether we’re doing things because we genuinely want to, rather than purely so that other people will think of us in a certain way, we learn to trust ourselves and practice tuning into our desires.

And by following through on our boundaries, we discover the tremendous power we hold, rather than remaining in the powerlessness of trying in vain to control other people. 

We can make our boundaries known, and other people can choose whether to respect them or not - that’s up to them. But when we have respect for ourselves, we choose to consistently follow through on the consequences, without fear of what other people may think of us.   

I love to remember this quote from Glennon Doyle:

“Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

And - who knows? - setting boundaries in this way may just result in you creating for yourself the closest, most genuine, and honest relationships you’ve ever had.

If you’d like help with setting boundaries or saying no to things you know you don’t want to do, click the link below to set up a free coaching consultation.