Why Treating Yourself Like Your Best Friend is Magic for Stay-at-Home Moms
How's your relationship with YOU right now? Do you talk to yourself as you would your best friend? Or are you harsh and mean, vowing through gritted teeth to “do better” tomorrow? Are you compassionate and kind to yourself? Or do you expect nothing less than perfection? Do you love what you see in the mirror? Or are you blinded by wrinkles and shadows as you turn your back on your light? Do you make space for you in your calendar each day? Or do you tell yourself there will be time for that “one day when...”? Do you celebrate your wins and powerful moments of joy? Or do you lock them away to be buried deep below failure and shame? Do you ask your own opinion? Or do you trawl the internet and poll acquaintances, convinced they're the ones with the answers you seek? Do you feed your body and soul the things you love? Or do you gather up the scraps at the end of the day?
While we may think our problems lie in all the things outside of our control - like our kids’ behavior, or our partner’s attitude, or the pandemic - the real issue is our relationship with ourselves. For example, when we believe we can’t possibly take time for ourselves to do the things we love, and yet we consistently show up for other people, we can see that we simply don’t view ourselves as worthy of investing time in.
We berate ourselves constantly and believe that the solutions to our problems can be found in the advice of experts on the internet, and on the covers of books, and even in our own friendship groups. But we forget that any advice we find is simply someone sharing what’s worked for them and - while it might be brilliant - it will never bring lasting results as long as we continue to have the same thoughts and feelings about ourselves that brought us to this point in the first place.
The answers to your problems will always be found inside YOU. So instead of trying to fix your whole life (whilst simultaneously beating yourself up in the hope it’ll push you “do better” tomorrow) focus instead on adding in one good thing: A beautiful relationship with you. And know that it’s entirely possible to create this right now by showing up for yourself exactly as you would your best friend.
1. See the magic in you
You would never sit across from a friend and refuse to look her in the eye or see her for who she truly is; you wouldn’t focus solely on her “flaws“ and spend your time criticizing all the ways she’ll never measure up. So why do this to yourself?
How often do you look yourself directly in the eye in the mirror? My life as a stay-at-home mom began to transform the day I came across the book “Mirror Work” by Louise Hay. This 21-day program not only has you facing yourself in the mirror each day, but also telling yourself, “I love you” on a regular basis.
This was initially difficult and very uncomfortable to do but - surprisingly - quickly became a comforting practice, and even felt fun as the person staring back at me became a friend, rather than an enemy to be avoided as much as possible.
I also became much more aware of how I was speaking to myself and was shocked at how many times during a single day I’d berate myself for doing the wrong thing, handling a situation badly, or being late (again). “I’m such a mess!” I’d say to my three daughters, often in a light-hearted way. But this had become the label I assigned myself.
Using Mirror Work, along with the affirmations and journaling suggested in the book, I started to turn my thoughts around and feel good about my ability to take control of my day. Over time, I added in Mel Robbins’ suggestion of giving myself a high five in the mirror each morning (as recommended in her book “The High 5 Habit”) and soon found myself truly believing the positive statements I was making about myself - until my mindset and, consequently, my behaviors were forever changed.
2. Value your own opinion
Is Google your best friend when it comes to making life-changing decisions? It had always been that way for me - I even asked the internet whether we should have a third child (thankfully it agreed that we should!).
I only realized just how silly this was when I came across this brilliant quote in Glennon Doyle’s brilliant book ‘Untamed’ last year:
“I began polling. I called each of my friends, hoping that they would know what I should do. Next I began my research. I read every article I could find...hoping the experts would know what I should do. My polling and research results were maddeningly inconclusive. Finally, I turned to the World Wide Web to see if an invisible conglomeration of strangers, trolls, and bots knew what I should do with my one wild and precious life.”
Similarly back in 2017, I agonized over whether to move back to Chicago from the suburbs after having left the city only 18 short months ago. I desperately wanted to leave our house and neighborhood behind and get back to the hustle and bustle of the city, but my husband was enjoying the space, the yard, and the quiet.
In the end he agreed to move back to the city and to swap our house for a fourth-floor condo… and on the very first first night, after an exhausting few days of moving with little ones, we were blasted from below by the loudest music imaginable and a beat that was bouncing off the floor!
Life is always going to be 50/50, no matter what you do. But you can be confident that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you because you know that you get to decide how you feel. You can create any result you want for yourself by the thoughts you choose, which then create your feelings, which in turn drive the actions you take.
Making a decision only ever takes an instant; it doesn’t need “time” to be made. So instead of turning to everyone else, honor your opinion on what’s best for you and your family, and when you feel you don’t know, simply ask yourself, “But what if you did know?” and find your answer there.
3. Schedule time with you
Do you make time to meet up or talk with your best friend? In the same way, schedule time for you - and commit to it so that you’re not tempted to cancel if something else comes up.
If you’re telling yourself you can’t possibly find time, swap time for you with something that could easily be delegated to your partner or kids, or even something on your list that, when you think about it, really doesn’t need to be done at all (or at least not as often!). Don’t stumble into the trap of telling yourself that everything will fall apart if you don’t stay on top of everything you’re currently doing, exactly as you’re currently doing it. Your brain is wired for survival, not pleasure, and will always be trying to keep you safe, doing things as you’ve always done them.
If you’re telling yourself you have no idea what you’d even want to do for yourself, start with giving yourself permission to do something that lights you up every single day. Look back at what you loved to play as a child and find the thing you used to do over and over again, that gave you the same sense of joy and excitement every single time. You can look back at old photo albums to trigger play memories too - for me, remembering weekends spent at our caravan in Wales brings back memories of running into the freezing cold sea, as well as making perfume from crushed flower petals. The more you can visualize yourself as a child and relive those experiences in your mind, the more you’ll be surprised at just how much comes back to you.
Start trying things you have even a tiny hunch you might enjoy and see where this leads you - if it feels good to you in the moment, see that as a signal that this is something you want more of in your life. And then keep on giving yourself permission to delight in being you for a few minutes every day.
Because you’re amazing - exactly as you are.
And this is something you get to decide for yourself, right now - to give yourself permission to uncover more and more of your magic as you grow into who you truly are. And just as you celebrate your best friend and see so clearly that they’re capable of creating anything they could ever want for themselves, celebrate seeing this in you, too.
And if you’d like help with this, sign up for a free coaching consultation with me at the link below. As your life coach, I don’t believe in any of the perceived limitations you have about yourself, or any of the stories you’re telling yourself that are holding you back right now. I believe in the very best; the highest version of you - until you’re ready to believe in her too.