How to Unlock Joy by Giving Yourself Permission to Prioritize You

I had been stuck in overwhelm in my life at home with three young daughters for months - years! - and had tried everything I could think of to clamber out. Blogs, courses, group coaching - I signed up for them all but not one of them stuck. My to-do list was growing longer by the day and my self-worth was at an all-time low. Why could I not gain control over my day? The answer turned out to be more simple than I could ever have imagined. One evening, as I was half-listening to the latest news about the pandemic while rushing to make dinner, I was stopped in my tracks by the sound of Les Misérables’ ‘On My Own’ playing in the background of a segment about the closure of London’s West End. “Turn it up!” I shouted over to my husband, and began singing along at the very top of my lungs, easily remembering the lyrics from endless hours spent playing the soundtrack on repeat over 20 years ago. By the time the song had finished, I was breathless and filled with utter joy. And it was a feeling so alien to me that I was jolted into recognizing exactly what had been missing from my life as a stay-at-home mom...PLAY! 

We all know in our hearts that our lives were not meant to be lived only to resolutely cross items off a to-do list before collapsing in front of the TV at the end of the day. We know that we want our days to be filled with true joy and purpose, and to feel that we are fully present in a life that is vibrant and meaningful. 

Finding what it is you love to play - what truly lights you up - allows you to tap into unfettered joy and find your way back to who you really are. Now, you may already be thinking that this sounds selfish and suspiciously like yet another task for you to take on - and you’d be right in thinking that this will take some effort. It may not be easy at first because it involves a new way of thinking about how to prioritize your day. But taking the time to do this for yourself is, in fact, the opposite of selfishness because when you bring joy into your life, it radiates from you and naturally brings happiness to those around you.

So how do we start to ease out of the overwhelm and use play to fill our days with joy?

Get Clear on Why You Want to Play

So what exactly is play and why should you do it? You’ll know you are truly playing when you’re doing something you love so completely that you lose all sense of time passing, and are fully absorbed and focused. You’re not remotely self-conscious in that moment, and you feel fully alive and filled with joy. When you stop, you cannot wait to do it again!

Play is also key to finding our way back to ourselves. For stay-at-home moms, there is so much servitude in what we do every day - especially when we have little ones - that we often feel we’ve lost ourselves completely. We may no longer know what our favorite song is, or what we love to eat or wear, yet we can easily answer those questions on behalf of our kids. 

When you start to play, you see that your true, authentic self quickly reemerges. You don’t care what you look like, or what anyone else thinks or needs - you’re simply doing what you love, and enjoying the feeling of total freedom. Remember that by doing this for yourself, you’re naturally becoming the best mom and partner you can be because you’ll radiate that joy!

Discover What You Love to Play

There’s a very simple way to find out what it is that lights you up - and that is to look back at what you loved to play as a child. What was that thing you used to do over and over again, that gave you the same sense of joy and excitement every single time?

Take a piece of paper and write down everything you can remember playing when you were little, starting at age five and working through your childhood years. If you find yourself stumped, try looking back at old photo albums to remind yourself of birthdays or vacations, as this can often trigger play memories. For me, remembering weekends spent at our caravan in Wales brings back memories of running into the freezing cold sea, as well as making perfume from crushed flower petals. The more time you take to visualize yourself as a child and relive those experiences in your mind, the more you’ll be surprised at just how much comes back to you.

Once you have your list, go through it again and put an asterisk next to any activities you could see yourself enjoying now. Make sure to eliminate any concerns about embarrassment or looking silly - when you are truly playing you will not be feeling self-conscious at all!

You may find that the activities you loved as a kid look exactly the same for you then and now, such as riding a bike, skateboarding or playing tennis. Or they may look a little different - for example making friendship bracelets could become crocheting, climbing trees could become indoor rock climbing, playing with play dough could mean you’d love to try a pottery class, and splashing in the cold sea could become cold water swimming. Any one of these activities could be the key to unlocking your joy, so you have to be willing to give them a try. And don’t be tempted to start thinking about any of the benefits you could reap from your new adventures (“ooh, I could lose some weight if I took up biking!”) because true play has no result at all, other than giving you that feeling of pure joy.

Find Time in Your Day to Play

So now you have your play list, and you’re excited to try out some of the activities on it to discover what it is that truly lights you up. But how do you shake the feeling that it’s frivolous to waste your time playing when there are so many more important and more practical tasks you should be doing?

There are two possibilities when it comes to fitting play into your day:

1. Make Play a Part of Everything You’re Already Doing

Take your to-do list and find a way to make every single task on there fun - in a way that only you can! I love to make up songs as I’m tidying up with my three daughters, making each line rhyme as I pick up and describe each object. I sing and dance in the kitchen as I’m cooking, and give the characters in my kids’ books accents when I read bedtime stories. I also make sure that every task on my list genuinely needs doing that day, and that I’m not over-committing to an unrealistic pursuit of perfection.

This concept of finding the fun in every activity has transformed my one-on-one time with my daughters. I knew that time alone together was so important for us, but had stopped enjoying the games they were wanting to play, and had come to regard it as just another task on my to-do list. So, for one week, I decided to use our time together to do something that I loved, which more often than not meant dancing around the living room to loud music and copying each other’s moves. This not only turned out to be an incredible energy-boost for me in the middle of the day because I loved those exhilarating dance sessions so much, but I also got a double-dose of joy from the look of awe and wonder on the girls’ faces as they saw me in my element. We now alternate days so that we both get a chance to choose the activity and it works brilliantly for us.  

2.  Schedule a Specific Time to Play

If it’s possible for you to find a way to take time out for yourself, you can opt to block out a specific part of your day for play. Commit to treating this time exactly as you would a date with a friend so that you’re not tempted to cancel if something else comes up. And remind yourself often that giving yourself permission to play is as essential to your wellbeing as taking time out to eat a decent meal or get to bed on time.

To find a place for play in your schedule, swap it with a non-essential task that you’ve already allocated time to. Perhaps there’s a chore that could easily be delegated to your partner or kids, or even something on your list that doesn’t need to be done at all (or at least not as often!). Don’t stumble into the trap of telling yourself that everything will fall apart if you don’t stay on top of everything you’re currently doing, exactly as you’re currently doing it. If you give yourself a chance to play, you’ll find you’re feeling so energized afterwards that you’re much more productive anyway! 

However you choose to make play a part of your day, giving yourself permission to prioritize you is the first small step to take, and committing to it will be life-changing - not just for you but for everyone around you. I’d love for you to join my Facebook group ‘joyFULL mamas connect’ to share your play list with me and begin this journey with the support of other joy-seeking stay-at-home moms. I hope to see you there!