How to Take Control of Your Life as a Stay-at-Home Mom

“So you’re Grandma, huh?” The question hit me like a sucker punch. “No,” I sputtered. “I’m their mum.” The friendly stranger with whom I’d just exchanged pleasantries about the weather the day before my fortieth birthday seemed unconcerned with his mistake and moved on. But I was left reeling. I knew the last few years of raising little ones had been rough but, oof, that one hit hard.

Are you likewise utterly exhausted by your days at home with your kids (even if you don’t look it!)? Do you fall into bed each night feeling “less than”, asking yourself why you’re living in a chaotic mess of clutter and conflict when other moms seem to be managing just fine? Are you tired of wondering why - no matter what you do - you cannot seem to gain control of your day at home? Do you feel sadness and confusion, wondering how exactly you got here and lost yourself entirely along the way?

I could go on to list helpful tips on decluttering your home, establishing routines, meal planning strategies, or improving your time management skills but you’ve probably already devoured all the information and tried to implement all the steps. Yet you are still awaiting your transformation. 

The truth is that nothing will change until you completely shift your mindset. 

So how do you start to move out of overwhelm and create a life of joy and ease for the sake of both your mind and your (prematurely-ageing!) body?

1. Take responsibility and recognize your ability to choose the life you want

“If you don’t like your life, then change it,” a friend once said to me, prompting me to make the move from England to Chicago 16 years ago. This may sound like an oversimplified solution to the seemingly insurmountable problem you’re facing, but we often don’t even realize that this is absolutely within our power. We simply have to make the choice to change things and then commit to taking action, no matter what obstacles we may face. You are not a victim of circumstance, your partner’s moods, or your children’s behavior - you are the creator of your life!

If you’re currently complaining about the never-ending cycle of cleaning, for example, or have just quietly resigned yourself to the fact that it’s your job to clean up all day long, then that is exactly what you’ll continue to get. Choose instead to take action - adopt a cleaning schedule so you’ll know exactly what to do within a fixed timeframe (I love the FlyLady system for this), hire someone to do it for you, or decide you are comfortable with doing less. And remember that you’re not going for perfection here! You don’t need to compete with anyone but yourself - all that matters is what makes you happy in your own home.

2. Stop the negative self-talk and start with daily affirmations

Do you ever stop and think about how you speak to yourself? Over the last seven years as a stay-at-home mom, I had become incredibly self-critical. I would inwardly berate myself for doing the wrong thing, handling a situation badly, or being late (again). “I’m such a mess!” I’d say to my three daughters, often in a light-hearted way. But this became the label I assigned myself. 

I never even realized the power that these words held until I came across the book “Mirror Work” by Louise Hay. This 21-day program not only made me pay attention to how I was speaking to myself for the first time in my life, but also introduced me to the concept of affirmations, which are positive statements spoken out loud while looking in the mirror. An example would be: “I am a wonderful, capable being.” 

After just one week of following the program and pushing through the discomfort, I was slowly starting to turn my thoughts around and feel good about my ability to take control of my day. Over time, I began to truly believe the positive statements I was making about myself - until my mindset and, consequently, my behaviors were forever changed.

So instead of telling yourself that being a stay-at-home mom is incredibly hard and that every day will be a struggle, try saying the very opposite - out loud - every single day. You’ll soon find yourself believing that you are worthy of all the joys life has to offer and fully capable of doing whatever is necessary to experience them.

3. Get clear on what you want from life and take the time to dream

You know you don’t want to feel overwhelmed and are sick and tired of running on empty, but do you ever take the time to pause and really think about what it is you do want?  

Take a piece of paper and write down exactly how you want to live your life day-to-day, moving through each aspect and focusing primarily on how you want to feel. What is your relationship with your kids like? With your partner? How do you look? What about your house? What is your money situation? What are your dreams for this year? And the next?

When you’ve written it all down in as much detail as possible, re-read it several times. By doing this, you are beginning to change your story. Take the time to picture your dream life every single day, and start to take small action steps to get closer and closer to making it your reality. For example, if you’d like to feel more connected to your kids, decide right now to start talking to them in a calmer voice, or commit to spending five minutes one-on-one with each child every day. Small changes add up and soon begin to make a noticeable difference.  

And feel free to dream big - anything is possible, even the things you currently believe are impossible! The clearer the image you have in your mind of who you want to be and the life you want to lead, the more likely you are to make this dream a reality.

4. Practice gratitude for everything you have right now

There is a proven correlation between gratitude and wellbeing, and it - of course - makes sense that if we focus on the things we appreciate, we’ll feel much happier than if we’re complaining. I began to feel so much more positive when I started a gratitude journal last summer, and I now love my morning ritual of writing down five things I’m grateful for and why I feel that way.

I also recently started a nightly exercise of noting down magical moments from my day right before I go to sleep - just taking a few moments to jot down anything that gave me a feeling of awe or wonder or made me smile. This may be difficult at first, but once you start to slow down enough to really take notice of what’s going on around you, more and more of these moments will reveal themselves to you. You can tell your kids about them the next day, or encourage them to start writing down their own joyful moments and post them into a gratitude jar. My girls love doing this, and I often get to learn something special about their day that I otherwise would never have known. 

5. Find your purpose and start living it

If you’ve been living in overwhelm for a longer period of time, try asking yourself if there is something you could be getting out of staying stuck there. Perhaps by choosing to remain in a state of constant busyness and letting chaos and disorder rule, you are actually choosing to stay safe in your life and hide. 

What would you do if you found a gentle rhythm as a stay-at-home mom, and felt balanced enough to start to prioritize yourself? Maybe you would find something you love so much; something you’re incredibly good at; something that is uniquely you - and would then feel a pull to share your gift to contribute to the world for the benefit of others. Perhaps that feels scary to you, so you are more than willing to keep going as you are.

But you have to remember that staying in your comfort zone doesn’t benefit you - or anyone else! Parenting is an incredibly important job but it is also temporary. Motherhood is not your identity, and yet so many of us lose our sense of self entirely to the servitude of life at home with little ones.

If you’ve been feeling lost since becoming a mom, make it your mission to find yourself again in the simplest way possible - PLAY! Do something that lights you up every single day. If you no longer have any idea of what that thing is, look back at what you loved to play as a child and try that. When you are truly playing, you are neither self-conscious, nor aware of time passing - you are simply lost in the moment and full of joy. You’ll be amazed at how quickly this brings you back to your true, authentic self, and how happy you’ll feel because of it.

Then find a way to share your joy and the unique gift you’ve rediscovered! You’ll see that you finally feel in control of your life when you become aware of what it is you love to do - that you also do brilliantly - and know exactly how you can use this gift to contribute to the world around you.

I’d love for you to join my Facebook group ‘joyFULL mamas connect’ to begin this journey with the support of other joy-seeking stay-at-home moms. I hope to see you there!