Three Simple Steps to Stop Being a Martyr Mom

Do you notice yourself showing up as a martyr in your motherhood? Do you see your self-sacrifice as a badge of honor, and your busyness as something to be proud of? Do you believe you went “all-in” on being a stay-at-home mom from the start, but now find yourself wondering where it’s got you after all this time?

As a mom of three girls, I did all of the above for seven years. And as the wife of a pilot who is gone for a good chunk of every week, I felt pride in my ability to do it all alone (having no family in the U.S. and a babysitter we only ever used a handful of times). 

And then I started to ask myself why I felt that way. Why was I proud of the fact that I stayed in my job up until the day I was induced with my first daughter; that I walked up four flights of stairs to our apartment when I came home from the hospital after each c-section; that I was capable of traveling alone with three kids for eight hours on a plane without help? 

I realized the answer lay in being rewarded with admiring comments from friends, family and strangers, and so I kept going, never seeing the true cost of my self-sacrifice until I realized one day that I had lost myself entirely. 

I love this quote from Pooja Lakshmin:

“On the one hand, being a martyr is about experiencing pain and destroying yourself for the sake of others. On the other hand, it’s about seeking glory, and, paradoxically, your glory is in your smallness.” 

I eventually realized that it would never be enough for me to continue to shrink myself down to fit into a role where I was solely defined in relation to my kids - and where my only passion was in their perfection. 

And that this, in any case, was only ever going to lead to my feeling like a perpetual failure, as the perfection I was striving for remained forever out of reach. I saw for the first time that the only thing I’d ever truly be able to control was myself - and that I was missing out on all the magic that I bring to the world by choosing to squeeze myself into a narrow role where my wants and needs simply didn’t matter at all.

If you’re feeling this way right now, know that making a change is more straightforward than you might think - it first takes making the decision to choose YOU, and then putting in the consistent effort to build the muscle of considering yourself and your own desires before anyone else’s.

Here’s how to do it in three simple steps:  

1. Make selfish decisions 

The first and most important step is to start paying attention to your own wants, needs and well-being. You may think you have no idea what these even are any more, but getting to that place of knowing can be as simple as giving yourself two choices for breakfast, and noticing your body’s reaction to both of them. You will likely find yourself pulled towards one option, or have a strong sense of rejecting the other. The more you start paying attention to what feels like a “hell yes” to you, the more aware you become of what you want for yourself.

For example, if you don’t enjoy playing with your kids because you don’t find any pleasure in doing the things they want to do, decide today to prioritize what you want (and if you don’t know what that is, look back at what you loved to play as a kid and start there). 

This is not a selfish act - this is you showing up not only for yourself, but also for your kids - with energy and joy and excitement instead of with resentment and obligation and the heavy feeling of self-sacrifice you may have been carrying around for months or even years.

What’s actually selfish is living for a longer period of time in the overwhelm of trying to do and be everything to everyone - and, naturally, becoming exhausted, depleted and stressed in the process. Because, at that point, you’re existing only in survival mode, and when you’re struggling to survive and fighting to get through the day in any way you can, your focus is wholly on that, making it impossible to even see anyone else’s needs.

2. Prioritize rest

How often do you allow yourself to stop doing for other people and just be? What does rest even mean for you? Does self-care count? And is this something you truly want to do for you, or has it become just another “must” on your to-do list: To dutifully fill your own cup so you can turn right around and immediately start refilling other people’s?

Ask yourself what you would do for you today if you could do absolutely anything you wanted. Massages, manicures, baths, and bubbly are all great forms of looking after yourself, but do they truly light you up? Do they allow you to delight in being you, exactly as you are? 

Rest is not something that has to look a certain way - it can be a walk in the fresh air, or sitting for a few moments in nature, or a high-energy dance, or listening to a song you love, just as much as it can be reading a book or taking a nap. Start trying things you have even a tiny hunch you might enjoy and see where this leads you - if it feels good to you in the moment, choose to see it as a signal that this is something you want more of in your life.

And remember that taking care of your to-do list - and what everyone else wants and needs - without ever once questioning what brings YOU pleasure will only ever result in resentment, and feeling frazzled, and longing for a life other than the one you’re currently living.

3. Drop into your body

As moms, we are so often living wholly in our heads - planning and managing and making lists and bearing the brunt of the mental load that comes with having kids.

But what if we stopped trying to get things “right” and gave up on trying to figure out a way to finally get our lives sorted once and for all? Because all this ever brings is endless “shoulding” and forcing ourselves to do what we think we’re supposed to be doing anyway. And where’s the pleasure in that? 

Find ways to get out of your head and into your body - whether that’s through meditation or breath work or through something more energetic like dancing or singing. Learn what letting go actually feels like, and allow yourself to be so completely in the moment that you lose all sense of time passing and focus only on the joy you feel at being you.

This sometimes feels difficult for moms because we’ve learned tactics and patterns of behavior to survive over the years - first with newborns and then babies and toddlers and little ones. It makes sense that we then naturally resist letting these things go (even if they’re making us miserable) because we have proof that living this way has kept us and our families safe - we’ve survived doing it this way for this long after all!

And, of course, we also tell ourselves there’s just no time for anything “frivolous” when there’s always so much that we need to get done. But knowing what feels good to us will always be more valuable than proving ourselves useful by meeting some invisible standard we never even consciously agreed to. 

So take a moment to listen to what your body is telling you you need right now. Self-sacrifice is certainly going to feel comfortable to you because that’s what’s most familiar, whereas allowing yourself pleasure and to be in your body will initially feel the very opposite of that. Unworthiness, not enough-ness, time scarcity, and the crushing pressure to first do for everyone else before you allow yourself to focus on you will likely come up. But when it does, you do not have to take this as a stop sign or make yourself wrong in any way. You can simply allow your feelings to be there without letting them push their way into the driver’s seat and dictate what you do in your life.

If you’d like help with letting your martyrdom go, sign up for a free consultation at the link below. I will show you how to stop seeing time spent connecting to your body as something you need to earn by first doing “enough”, and you’ll see that you, too, can create a life filled with joy, rest and peace whilst still raising your kids and running your home the way you want to.