What to do When You’ve Lost Yourself as a Stay-at-Home Mom
“So you lived in Vienna, Paris and Manchester, all in the space of a few months?” my friend asked, as I was giving her the rundown of how I eventually came to be living in Chicago. “That’s amazing!”
I stopped for a moment, taken aback that she seemed to be so impressed by my story, and then grinned back at her. It was amazing.
I thought back to the challenges I faced living in foreign countries, the fascinating people I met, and all the incredible experiences I had, and started to marvel at who I must’ve been to push myself so much with each new adventure - and have so much fun doing it.
Motherhood is not unlike this experience - you learn to overcome new struggles on a daily (even hourly!) basis and have so much fun getting to know your little one, whilst growing massively in your capabilities and your capacity to love. And yet it seems entirely different because your world becomes so very small the minute you become a mom. The majority of your time is now spent alone at home with no one to recognize your achievements or appreciate how far you’ve come, and the demands made of you are now relentless.
And so we wake up one day and realize that our sense of who we are is lost entirely, and that we no longer have any understanding of the little things we might enjoy, or what sort of life we actually want to lead.
My own realization came one evening in the early days of the pandemic when Les Misérables’ ‘On My Own’ was playing as part of a news segment on the TV. I began singing along at the top of my lungs, easily remembering the lyrics from endless hours spent playing the soundtrack on repeat over 20 years ago. By the time the song had finished, I was breathless and filled with utter joy. And it was a feeling so alien to me that I was jolted into recognizing just how seldom I was giving myself the opportunity - or permission - to truly be myself.
So how do we go about finding our way back to ourselves, especially when our time feels so limited and the demands of motherhood so relentless?
1. Play
When we’re feeling lost, we may no longer know what our favorite song is, or what we love to eat or wear, but one thing that will always bring us back to who we truly are is play.
When you’re playing - doing something that truly lights you up - you lose all sense of time passing, and are fully absorbed and focused. You’re not remotely self-conscious in that moment, and you feel fully alive and filled with joy. When you stop, you can’t wait to do it again!
If you no longer have any idea of what it is that might make you feel this way, look back at what you loved to play as a child. What was that thing you used to do over and over again, that gave you the same sense of joy and excitement every single time?
Take a piece of paper and write down everything you can remember playing when you were little - the more time you take to visualize yourself as a child and relive those experiences in your mind, the more you’ll be surprised at just how much comes back to you. Then, once you have your list, go through it again and put an asterisk next to any activities you could see yourself enjoying now.
You may find that the activities you loved as a kid look exactly the same for you then and now, such as riding a bike, skateboarding or playing tennis. Or they may look a little different - for example making friendship bracelets could become crocheting, climbing trees could become rock climbing, and playing with play dough could mean you’d love pottery. Any one of these activities could be the key to unlocking your joy, so you have to be willing to give them a try. Get curious, dare to experiment, and have fun - because when you get lost in delight, that’s where you’ll find yourself again.
2. Start a morning routine
I had thought about starting a morning routine for years but kept putting it off because I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up any earlier than I had to. So every morning remained the same - I’d leap out of bed at the first sound of one of my three daughters moving around and immediately start preparing breakfast whilst hurriedly waking each child without pausing for breath. This was how my day would start, this was how it would continue, and this was how it would end when I finally dragged myself off to bed, completely exhausted.
Until last summer, when I started getting up well before anyone else to establish a morning routine that massively helped me to feel like myself again. My plan back then was very simple - I journaled (following Julia Cameron’s recommendation to write three “Morning Pages” about whatever was on my mind), followed by 10 minutes of reading and then 10 minutes of listening to whichever podcast I was interested in at the time. And I did all of this outside on the roof deck, loving the fact that the only sound I could hear in the early morning quiet was the reassuring rhythm of the passing trains.
When my 30 minutes were up, I’d go into the girls’ bedrooms to wake them up calmly, feeling fully relaxed, and knowing that we had plenty of time to get our day started. I felt almost elated to have discovered that I could feel this way just by giving myself that time alone to do exactly what I wanted. And writing my Morning Pages gave me plenty of opportunity to explore how I felt about so many aspects of my life - many of which I otherwise wouldn’t have given a second thought.
Nowadays I’ve extended my routine to just over an hour because I realized how happy it would make me to be able to exercise in peace after years of dealing with interruptions while trying to work out. So now it looks like this:
First thing: 10 long, slow breaths followed by a large glass of water
15 minutes: Morning Pages, followed by jotting down five things I am grateful for
5-10 minutes: Guided meditation
10 minutes: Read a book
30 minutes: Exercise
The joy that I experience from both this time alone and the feeling of starting out ahead rather than scrambling to catch up, makes it well worth the earlier bedtime for me. It doesn't happen every morning, especially if I have a late night and feel I need the extra sleep, but I try my best to get right back on track because the benefits have been life-changing.
3. Increase your feeling of self-worth
The third and final step is all about mindset because it will be impossible to take the practical steps above without first valuing yourself enough to accept that you are worth making this effort for.
We spend so much time madly rushing through our to-do lists that we often find ourselves basing our self-worth on whether or not we accomplish everything on them. But we have to come to the realization that these two things are not, in fact, directly related.
What actually matters - what should be making you feel that you have value - is how you treat the people around you. And this also includes how you treat yourself! So start by paying attention to how you speak to yourself throughout the day.
I, for one, had become incredibly self-critical since becoming a mom - I would inwardly berate myself for doing the wrong thing, handling a situation badly, or being late (again). “I’m such a mess!” I’d say to my kids, often in a light-hearted way. But this became the label I assigned myself.
I never even realized the power that these words held until I came across the book “Mirror Work” by Louise Hay. This 21-day program not only made me pay attention to how I was speaking to myself for the first time in my life, but also introduced me to the concept of affirmations, which are positive statements spoken out loud while looking in the mirror. Examples would be: “I love and approve of myself,” or “I am a wonderful, capable being.”
After just one week of following the program and pushing through the discomfort, I was slowly starting to turn my thoughts around and begin to truly believe the positive statements I was making about myself - until my mindset and, consequently, my behaviors were forever changed.
When you give yourself permission to work towards finding yourself again, you’ll find that your true, authentic self quickly reemerges. You’ll no longer feel the need to please others or suppress your own desires, and will instead feel a new pull towards living your best, most joyful life - as only you know how.
I’d love for you to join my Facebook group‘joyFULL mamas connect’ to begin this journey with the support of other joy-seeking stay-at-home moms. I hope to see you there!